


the devil inside

by bookstorelesbian



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, excessive devil imagery, sorry matt lol, the author projects onto innocent characters, was canon compliant for a while and then i just stopped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstorelesbian/pseuds/bookstorelesbian
Summary: Be careful of the Murdock boys, they've got the devil in them.  That was true at least.Or, an exploration of Matt's relationship with the church, God, and himself in regards to homosexuality.
Relationships: Father Lantom & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Matt Murdock/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 59





	the devil inside

**Author's Note:**

> With Matt's upbringing I feel like he would have a really complicated relationship with being gay, so here we are. This is kind of heavy, so just be careful with yourself if you're struggling with this sort of thing. Overall the story of Daredevil has mirror's a queer journey in so many ways, thematically and in actual content, so I wanted to explore that the best that I could. Please enjoy!!

He knew why God took his eyesight.

Maybe he didn’t know at 9. Back then it didn’t make sense, what he did to deserve this punishment. What he did to deserve losing so much, for what didn’t seem like any good reason.

But now he understood. Had understood for quite some time. Because God didn’t want him to look at boys.

\----

Be careful of the Murdock boys, they've got the devil in them. That was true at least.

It started young. An older boy named Sam from the orphanage. Matt wanted to be around him all the time, and he didn’t get why. A year later Sam went to college. Matt was glad of it.

He went to middle school. He was just trying to get through the day without losing it. He heard 2 boys in the hallway, laughing loudly and calling some other kid a faggot as they passed. Matt didn’t really know what it meant, but he knew it couldn’t be good. He stumbled to science class.

They didn’t really speak about it in church. Not the way that other people talked about, where there would be sermon’s every day about the sin of homosexuality. Instead there was silence, the very word being considered a curse. 

At 10 he was aware of the widely known fact- if you were queer, you weren’t welcome in heaven. Matt didn’t seem to like anyone at all.

Then Stick happened, and everything went on hold again. He thought about his Dad, and what he might think of Stick. Matt hoped he would like him, but he knew that he wouldn’t. Stick didn’t care about the devil within. Stick didn’t care about anything it seemed. It was a relief. Then he up and left, and Matt was frozen once again.  
\----

Thing’s changed more as he got older. He turned 13 and realized he was in love with Aidan, the boy who sat in the pews next to him. He prayed every day.

He was 15 and they talk about homosexuality. In the Netherlands those people could get married now. This was bad. This wasn’t what God wanted. Those people were sinners. 

That’s all they ever called them, those people. They didn’t get a name, neither kind nor cruel. Those people, the ones who lived in sin happily, who denied God and chose to partake in something so unnatural, to violate the laws that had been laid out from the beginning of time. Marriage was between a man and a woman.

Matt wasn’t going to be one of those people.

He stopped talking to Aidan after mass. He stayed up at night, silently laying in his bed and saying every prayer he could think of to try and convince God to help him, to give him guidance. He still liked Aidan. He asked to change pews.

His pastor spoke about sin. About how they were all born sinners, and they had to choose to act good, and to be selfless. How they were the ones that made the decision to not succumb to evil. So he made the decision. 

He started praying every morning too.  
\-----

He had the devil inside of him. He kissed a girl that smelled like old spice and tried to enjoy it. She told him the blind thing was a bit of a turn off. He said he understood. He was glad.

Owen was in Model UN. Matt had finally convinced the nuns to let him stay after school, provided he was back for Wednesday night service. He was always back early.

Owen represented Denmark. He proposed a bill about the environment, and when he spoke his voice was a soft grumble. When he walked, he could hear his hair swish just slightly. He stepped loud, so loudly that Matt could hear him from just about anywhere in the school. His heartbeat was fast and anxious. He thought it sped up when Matt was near him. He knew that he was making that up.

Owen was always nice to him. Always reminded him when it was his turn to do something, or would read the proposed documents out loud so Matt knew what was going on. Someone would say something stupid, and Owen would tap Matt’s shoulder and laugh, sometimes whispering a funny comment with it, as if they were in on an inside joke together.

He learned a lot about Owen. His favorite class was Physics. He thought it was bizarre how everything moved. He spent 10 minutes ranting about how it didn’t make sense, before getting embarrassed and remembering that Matt was blind. His heart sped up a little more. Matt could listen to him talk about movements that he couldn’t see for hours.

They went to a conference and a girl whistled at Owen, who apparently looked quite good in a suit. He was suddenly glad he couldn’t see.

He went to confession and started to cry. The priest asked what happened, and Matt didn’t say anything. He stopped going to Model UN the next day.

Owen came up to him and asked why he stopped showing up. The devil was crawling up his throat. He wanted to kiss him, but told him to fuck off instead. Owen walked away, and he almost felt bad at how hurt he sounded when he left. Matt went to the bathroom and prayed for forgiveness. He knew that he wouldn’t get any.

\----

He told Father Smith that he needed to repent. He had a new priest, one from the church nearer to his college. The priest asked him what for. He thought of Owen. He told him that he thought the devil made him. He went to the church further down the road the week after.

He was a regular feature around church. The nice blind boy, working so hard on school, never seeing girls or partying, staying devoted to God, and remaining holy. But he wasn’t holy. The devil screamed. He kissed a girl from French class and almost threw up in his mouth.

\----

He didn’t have any friends, besides one quiet girl with a slow beating heart. They should probably date. They went out once and he tried to like it. He wasn’t gay.

\----

He was 18. They legalized it in Massachusetts. His pastor was upset. It wasn’t like his old church, where just saying the word was a sin. They said queer, they spoke of sin, they spoke of pedophilia. He felt dirty. 

After English class he sat in the pew and prayed. He did it again after Physics. It made him think of Owen. He wondered what God thought of him.

\----

He failed a test, and went to a party. He drank beer that made his throat burn and his senses dulled. He knew Stick wouldn’t like that. God wouldn’t like it either, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

He flirted with a guy. He drank some more. The boy put his hand low on his back and talked low and rough. Matt didn’t listen. His heart pounded, and he found himself in a bedroom, messily making out with the unnamed guy and stripping out of their clothes. His beard scraped against Matt’s cheeks, and he felt shivers down his spine.

He sent out a prayer for forgiveness while the man touched him.

He left the guy laying there and went back to his dorm, far too late at night for him to safely walk. He felt like a 9 year old again, truly blind to the world. He felt dirty, he felt the devil rearing his head. He felt the other boy’s hands ghosting his skin, him muttering into his ear and kissing his neck. He tried to pretend it didn’t feel good.

He sat in his bed and tried to cry, tried to pretend that he hadn’t just doomed himself. It didn’t work. He closed his eyes and went to bed.

\----  
It didn’t stop. 

He did it again and again, hooking up and then begging God to forgive him. Never relationships. Never the same person twice. Never sober.

He remembered a lesson he had learned in theology. Back in high school, not even from a priest. His teacher had told them that God put them through suffering for a reason. That most of the time, a tragedy was Him trying to help them in the long term. He understood why he had lost his eyesight. At least that way he couldn’t look at the men he spent the night with.

It wasn’t fair. His quiet friend had a boyfriend now, a swimmer. She said that he was really cool and really into her. He heard the silent not like you. He tried to be happy for her.

He went to church Wednesday night and hooked up with a nameless guy in the parking lot. He was going to hell anyway.

He cried while he prayed that night

\---

He didn’t get why God had done this to him. Why he made him so fundamentally wrong. He told his priest he didn’t think he had a choice but to be a sinner, and he told him that of course he could. You could always not to sin. 

But he couldn't’. He couldn’t pray away the devil inside of him.

\----

He got a job. It was nearly impossible to find a place that wanted to hire him, but he worked as a cashier, barely making minimum wage. He loved it.

There was someone else that worked there. He reminded Matt of Owen in a way that made him sick. They talked all day, and one night they kissed behind the store, Matt’s back pressed against the cold, damp brick. He felt dizzy with excitement. He squashed it down.

It wasn’t like the others. Softer, kinder, more emotional. They saw each other the next day, and kissed again. Nothing more. He felt light.

Matt went to confession and didn’t say anything other than that he had sinned. He was always too vague. He could tell that his priest hated him. He hated himself too.

They didn’t stop. His name was Nick, and Matt knew about his siblings, his interests, his hopes of growing up and teaching. He knew his favorite flavors of candy, he knew that he loved Arizona Iced Tea.

Nick knew he grew up in an orphanage, that he missed his dad, that he spent more time praying then studying. 

Matt told Nick he wasn’t gay, and Nick laughed and kissed him. Matt didn’t know how to feel about that.

They went out to dinner after work on Thursdays. Every time they touched Matt felt dirty. He ignored it. 

They didn’t speak on Sundays. Nick didn’t understand why. Matt wasn’t going to explain.

Nick asked why he wouldn’t just admit they were dating. Matt insisted they weren’t. Boys didn’t date. Dating someone was admitting it, dating someone was spitting in the face of God and saying he was proud he was a sinner. Dating meant speaking the truth for people to see. 

Nick ended things. He told him that spending time with Matt was depressing. That he felt like nothing around Matt, like a dirty little secret. He said he felt used. Matt let him walk away. There was a pit in his stomach. 

He quit his job. He decided to never let someone in again.

\----

He went to law school. His roommate was nice. He called him hot the first time they met. Matt hoped he was joking.

He didn’t want to be friends. He actively tried not to be friends. But Foggy was insistent. He walked him home from church one Wednesday. He said that he didn’t want Matt to get brutally injured walking alone late at night. It was sweet. Matt hated it.

He washed his face with cold water, and told himself to ignore it. He layed in bed and prayed harder then he had since he had to hold Aidan’s hand in church.

\----

The priest at his new church was different. He said hate the sin, love the sinner. It almost gave him hope. But he knew that when the priest spoke he didn’t mean Matt’s type of sin. You couldn’t love the devil.

\-----

He and Foggy got drunk, and he felt his face. Their skin touched, and Matt tried to pretend he didn’t get butterflies in his stomach. He tried to act like he hadn’t heard Foggy’s heart rate speed up. He tried to pretend that they weren’t even friends. 

He hooked up with another boy at a party the next day. He was glad he couldn’t see his face. That way he could pretend it was Foggy.

\----

Foggy tried to hook him up with girls. He went on one date, and told him that she just wasn’t his type. When Foggy asked what his type was, Matt said hot. Foggy laughed. Blind jokes were always good to distract him.

He thought about Foggy’s question. His type was guys. His type was Foggy. 

He said Our Father, and went to bed trying to pretend he couldn't remember the feeling of each crevice in Foggy’s face.

\----

No one loved the devil. 

He had been cursed since before he was born, stuck with this fate that he couldn’t control. He couldn’t suppress it. He couldn’t make it go away.

He hated his dad. He hated God. It wasn’t fucking fair.

He didn’t go to church that week. He felt sick. He prayed for forgiveness and went back the next day. 

He didn’t want to believe anymore. He didn’t want to keep knowing what his fate was going to be. He wished that when he lost his sight he had died. That way he never would have become this.

He knew his soul was already doomed. It had been that way before he was even born. His actions had just made sure of it.

He thought about calling up Nick. He thought about kissing Foggy. He got on his hands and knees and begged for forgiveness.

\----

Hate the sin, love the sinner. That was bullshit.

You couldn’t love someone who you know is evil. No one loved Satan. You couldn’t love someone and then tell them that they would never be welcome in heaven, for something he couldn’t fucking change, no matter how hard they tried.

When he was a kid he thought the church's whole thing was loving everybody. Turns out it was everybody but him. 

You couldn’t love the devil.

\----

Matt got a girlfriend. He didn’t love her. They lasted 6 months. Foggy gave him a hug after she dumped him. He felt more in that touch then he had the whole time he dated that girl.

He didn’t hook up with any boys for a year. He prayed every day. He tried to ignore the way his heart beat faster when Foggy was around.

He knew if Foggy found out, it would be over. The only friendship he had ever truly had would disappear. He would think he was disgusting, a pedophile, dirty.

He promised himself he would never say a word to him. He promised himself that he would give up this silly crush, that he would stop imagining kissing him, stop imaging dates and sex and hugs.

He felt like he was somehow violating Foggy. He was thinking of him, and he had no idea. Foggy didn’t know to be on guard. He didn't know that he wasn’t safe around Matt. He didn’t know that he had befriended a sinner.

Matt didn’t know how much longer he could do this.

\----

He gave up on celibacy. He hooked up with more people then he could remember, and told them he wasn’t gay when they finished. He knew it was a lie now.

They graduated, and decided to start their own practice. Foggy and Marcy broke up, and Matt tried not to be happy about it. It wasn’t like he had a chance with him anyway. 

He knew he should have said no to starting their own firm. He should have parted ways with Foggy, should have stopped torturing himself. Should have stopped this relationship that drove him further and further to sin. He thought he might be going crazy.

He started going out as the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. The name made sense. 

He didn’t feel guilty for hurting those people. He was already the devil. He wished he wasn’t a Murdock.

\----

Fisk happened. Foggy found out. They fought, and Matt pretended he didn’t feel his heart breaking as Foggy left.

They talked it out. Like adults. Foggy told him no more secrets. Matt lied and told him there were no more.

\----

He went to Father Lantom and felt tears fill his eyes. He asked to confess. He told him he was a sinner.

Father Lantom laughed and told him that he already knew Matt was the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. Daredevil now. A better name, but less true. He was just the devil.

He told him that he was gay. He had never said it out loud before. He started to cry.

Father Lantom told him it was okay. That he couldn’t change who he was, that God loved everyone. He knew that it wasn’t true.

He left, and he didn't think he could ever go back to speak to Father Lantom again. That was a scarier thought then anything. He went back the next day and confessed more. Father told him that he didn’t have to repent for who he was, that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He cried some more.

He asked why God loved everyone but not him, and Father Lantom gave him a soft smile. He said that God loved everyone. That God didn’t make people predisposed to hell. That some people were just closed minded. He told him he was a child of God, not a child of the devil.

He tried to believe him.

He went home and thought about Foggy.

\----

He got drunk with Foggy and Karen. They laughed and talked, and Foggy animatedly narrated a movie to him.

He didn’t know what movie it was. He wasn’t paying any attention. His heart beat out of his chest.

I’m gay, he spit out, and it went silent.

Karen told him she loved him. Foggy apologized for trying to hook him up with so many girls while they were in school. He pretended he hadn’t heard Foggy’s heart skip a beat. He pretended that tiny beat didn’t mean he was disgusted with him now. 

He hoped that that didn’t mean he was disgusted with him now. He couldn’t deal with Foggy being disgusted with him.

They were both softer with him that night. They graciously ignored the fact that there were tears in his eyes. They understood.

They both came into work the next day. He was surprised they still wanted to. He tried to be happy about it.

He tried to do too much these days.

He was happy they came. He was happy that they didn’t hate him. He was happy that they didn’t condemn him. He wondered what it would have been like if he had told when he was still in Columbia.

\----

He talked to Father Lantom more. He went on a date. He ignored the way his heart twisted with guilt at people seeing him and a man out. He ignored the fact that God knew now. That he was flipping off God, saying this was who he was.

He tried to remember what Father Lantom told him. No, he didn’t try to remember. He did remember. 

It was okay.

His soul wasn’t damned. It was still hard to believe it when he kissed the man under the stars, in full view of the world. He did it again.

\----

A year passed. He didn’t last with the man for more than a month. That was okay. He wanted to be with Foggy anyway.

He still felt guilty about that. Father Lantom said it was okay. That if Matt didn’t think less of Karen for the awkward crush she used to have on him, Foggy wouldn’t think less of him for this. 

The difference was he was in love with Foggy.

Father just told him that that made it more meaningful. He said it wasn’t a bad thing to care about people. He knew he was right.

\----

Gay marriage was legal. It had been for almost a year. But legal in the United States and legal in the eyes of God were 2 different things. 

He was a lawyer. United States laws had to be enough for him.

\----

He still prayed every night.

He didn’t pray for God to change him.

It was weird. He hadn’t done something like that in years.

\----

The devil was still inside of him. It always would be. He knew that now. But this wasn’t the devil.

He kissed Foggy in the darkness of his apartment, and he knew that that couldn’t be a sin. 

Foggy said that he loved him. 

Nothing that felt this good could possibly be a sin.

\----

He was happy.

Kind of.

He told Foggy he didn’t think he could ever get married. Foggy said he understood. A marriage was between a man and a woman. They got a civil union 3 years later. He tried to act like that was good enough.

He told Foggy he loved him every morning. He listened to the beating of his heart when he went to bed, and he was content.

He wondered what Nick would think. He hoped he would be happy for him. 

He held Foggy’s hand in public, right in the eyes of God, and noticed he didn’t care. Foggy went to mass with him one day, and he introduced him to another attendee as his partner. He could feel Foggy’s smile. No one seemed to care.

\----

The guilt didn’t fully ever go away.

He wished that he could get his sight back. He wished God hadn’t taken it away in the first place. He didn’t think it was because he was gay. Maybe it was God’s way of giving him the ability to become Daredevil. The ability to help people. Maybe God hadn’t done it for a reason. Not every misfortune was a punishment or a sign from God. He believed that now.

They got married. There was no knot in his stomach. When he kissed Foggy, he was happy.

\----

He still went to church twice a week. He still confessed, probably more than he needed to. To be fair, vigilantism gave him a lot to confess.

Father Lantom told him that he was happy for him. Matt was happy too.

It was a weird feeling.

Foggy held his arm while they walked down the street, guiding him around obstacles they both knew Matt could sense. The devil inside him was silent. Matt wondered if it had ever been there at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I'm a repressed catholic school lesbian??? This was kind of tough to write honestly, but I feel a ton better now that I got it out. I hope you enjoyed, and please comment or give kudos if you have time, it means the world to me to not know I'm just screaming into a black hole.
> 
> Also, I've read a ton of stories similar to this and I'm sure that I've accidently picked up a line or two. My mind's rude like that. If theres anything thats super close let me know, and I'll credit the author or change what I have.
> 
> Love you all, and thanks for reading <3


End file.
